Chapter 9 - Part A

She was trying to remain as quiet as possible. She knew they were still outside. She could hear them asking around. And then, she heard the shutter screech open as one of them tried to move the huge cartons aside, one of which hid her. And she stopped breathing. She kept one hand on her own mouth ordering herself to remain as deathly quiet as possible, and another one she placed on her pounding chest. After several excruciatingly long minutes, she heard him say “She is not here”. But she didn’t dare to relax. The danger was still there and she was nowhere near escape. Suddenly, the truck came to life, and she felt herself move, hopefully getting as far as possible from this place. But instead of feeling relieved, a much stronger emotion ran through her. Guilt! She felt ashamed of leaving others behind. She felt responsible for them. She could have helped them, but in that moment she thought about herself, she became selfish. And she knew that even if she tried, even if she made it out of here in one piece, she will not be able to go back for them, she knew that by that time they all will be long gone. She tried to look around her, it was pitch black. She could barely see her own hands that were trembling with fear. The only thing she could make out was the drunk voice of two men - one of them she guessed was the driver. Another wave of terror gripped her. Where was the truck going? Will she ever be safe? Or was she going towards an alternative to what actually was planned for her today? She wanted to cry. Cry on the hand life had dealt her, cry about what had happened today, cry for whatever had been happening since she had been born, cry for the loneliness that always seemed to surround her - but by now the only reaction that came out of her was dry heaving. It was as if the tears she had inside of her were all dried up. From last 48 hrs, the only thing she had felt, the only thing she had been aware of was that bone crunching, mind numbing fear. The only thing she had seen around her was darkness. She didn’t know when she dozed of, but the next thing she felt was a sudden jerk that woke her up, and the truck came to a staggering stop. Khushi jolted up, body completely drenched in sweat and breath coming in gasps. Squinting, her eyes moved around in panic, trying to understand where she was. Finally, she felt her brain catching up, and she felt her shoulder sag as she realised that she was safe and sound in her room. Her eyes first fell on the wall clock on the opposite wall of her bed which read 2 pm, she sighed realising that she had slept through the entire morning. She then turned to her side, her fingers curling around the glass of water on her bed side table. Taking few large gulps, she finally felt the remnants of her recurring and all familiar nightmare subsiding.

Almost immediately though, nausea overcame her as the events of last Twenty four hours came rushing into her memories. Her palm rested flat on her abdomen as her eye pinched shut with shame and guilt.

She couldn't seem to remember much of what happened after she ran out of the Raizada house. She couldn't even remember how she made it to her bed or how she drifted off to sleep. The last thing, the only thing she remembered was his face, his eyes, his touch. She glanced at the window, curtains partially drawn open, the day outside was devoid any sunlight and sky was covered with black clouds. She threw her cover aside, got up on her wobbly feet and walked towards the window to pull it wide open. She shivered as the chilly air carrying few of the rain droplets outside fell on her face. Eyes shut again, she let out a long exhale, wrestling for control, fresh wave of guilt slamming through her, his face refusing to leave her thoughts.

Angrily, she wiped the increasing amount of moisture on her cheeks - was it rain or were they her tears, she couldn't tell them apart.

This is what she feared. She somehow naively thought she had overcome her past. She arrogantly believed that she was no longer tethered to the destructive spirit she carried with her wherever she went. She gave out a humourless laugh as she remembered the exact second when that basement went dark. Her reaction was not an immediate one. She did try to move and find the door and get herself out of that room. But, then she heard everyone getting into the cars through one of the air ducts in that room. She remembered the deafening silence that fell around her. And that was when the all consuming paralysis shot through her spine. The insane urge to throw up overpowered her when she realised how easy it was for people to forget her existence. In that moment, surrounded by that darkness, she tried to pull herself out of the brain freeze, ordered herself to snap out & remember how her thoughts were uncalled for. That her family will never knowingly leave her behind. But, nothing seemed to work.

She knitted her brows, trying to recall the amount of time she was alone on that floor. She was still trying to concentrate, when a warm pashmina shawl came around her shoulders, and the familiar smell of caffeine hit her nostrils.

“How are you Khushi? Did you sleep well?

Khushi exhaled, blinking as she tried to put on her mask of calmness back. She then turned around to hug Madhumati, and whispered "I am fine Buaji",

Madhumati moved her hands over Khushi's hair, "Sure?"

Nodding her head she pulled herself back, "Yes", and then gratefully took the cup of steaming coffee that Madhumati held in one of her hands. Taking a big sip, she gave out a small smile and then moved toward the living room, "How come you are still here Buaji? You didn't go for work?"

Madhumati sighed and followed Khushi. She knew what was going on. Khushi was doing what she did best - sweeping the problem aside instead of dealing with it head-on. And in past, due to the fear of giving her more pain that necessary, Madhumati had side stepped and had let Khushi do what she needed to do. But, today, she was in no mood to let her continue her past mistakes.

And so, she walked over to Khushi, who was now sitting on one of the chairs near the kitchen island, her laptop glowing in front of her. She then placed a chair right next to her, and with a soft click shut the laptop lid.

"Don't do this Khushi"

Khushi frowned, "Don't do what Buaji. I was just logging into my emails"

"That's not what I am talking about and you know it"

"Buaji, I am not..."

Madhumati raised her palm, and continued, "You are asking me why I am not at work. You think leaving you in that condition I could have gone for work?"

"No, I meant, I am fine Buaji. I just needed some sleep. You didn't have to...."

She was once again interrupted by Madhumati, only this time her tone sharp and unhappy, "You just needed some sleep? You had a breakdown yesterday Khushi"

Khushi flinched at the words, but Madhumati continued. "You cannot wake up after few hours and behave like it was nothing. You cannot just ignore your way out of this mess. I need to know what happened Khushi? Was it the darkness? What triggered it? We need to talk to your physician"

"No!!", came an immediate reply that sounded more like a plea, "No physician. I just cannot go through that process again. I am fine. Yes, it was dark and I froze. But, I am fine now. I am, Buaji. You don't have to worry", she then got up trying to get as far as she could from this conversation but, Madhumati's hands came over hers halting her completely.

"Enough! This wont work anymore. You have been doing this for all these years"

"Doing what?"

"Running when things gets too uncomfortable"

Khushi inhaled sharply, but uncaring Madhumati still continued, "You know how you were when we found you? You know how it broke my heart to see you like that, after all these years. You think pretending that you didn't just went through an episode Eight hours back will automatically erase it from existence"

Her voice then softened, both her hands now clutching Khushi's, "Let me in Khushi. Tell me what's going on. Tell me what happened, so we can try to fix it"

Khushi was now trembling. Moments from last day crashing on her like waves on the shoreline.

"I can't Buaji. I can't do this. I made a huge mistake"

"What...what are you..."

"I miscalculated how much being here in this country will affect me. I thought I will be ok. I foolishly thought that this time things will be different. But, I now know. I shouldn't have come here. There is nothing other than painful memories for me here”

"And what about Payal? What about me? Who are we to you then? You are saying these memories are much stronger than our love for you?"

Khushi gave out another painful breath, tears now flowing across her face.

Madhumati, with tears in her eyes too cupped her face, "Its ok Khushi. It is ok to come across these demons, its ok to stumble upon them when you least expect it. What is not ok is to run from them. You, me, we all have being doing it for far too long. We have let these memories win for far too long. Don't you think it's time to put them to rest? Talk to me Khushi, tell me how I can make this ok. Dr. Roy was really good back then. She still keeps in touch with me and Payal. She still worries about you. Let's make an appointment with her Khushi. Just talk to her once. It will help"

"No....No, no, please no. I can't", Khushi recoiled and moved away from Madhumati. Her head shaking constantly as she collapsed on the sofa and curled her legs toward her chest. The action was not lost on Madhumati as she took in how Khushi put physical distance between them. Her chest tightened with pain again, realising how lonely Khushi felt and how use to she was to battle it all alone. She rounded the kitchen island and moved to sit in front of Khushi, who had her chin perched on her knees, hugging herself tightly, and asked softly.

"Why? Why don't you want to talk to her? Do you want another doctor?"

"No... no doctor. I don't want to talk to anyone. I cannot relive everything again. Ten years Buaji, it took me ten years to bottle everything up. I cannot willingly open the wounds again. Please don't ask that of me"

Madhumati's fingers closed on Khushi's again, "You think bottling your emotions and memories are helping? That is not a permanent solution Khushi"

"I know its not, but I am tired Buaji", Khushi replied softly, "I am so so tired. I keep waiting for the moment when I can finally experience some peace. Just once. But it never comes. Every single minute of every day, I feel this heavy weight bearing down on every single inch of my body. I try to shake it off. I have tried doing everything I can to get over this feeling. But, nothing works. And now, I feel exhausted all the time. And I am sick of feeling like this. I have hurt you and Jiji so much"

"No baby, you haven't. You can never....", Madhumati wailed along with her, but as if trance, Khushi got up, moved toward the balcony, as if seeking the cold outside. Hoping to feel anything but this increasing emptiness inside her. She closed her eyes, breathing in the crisp air and continued,

"And now I have managed to hurt strangers. I have managed to hurt him"

Madhumati frowned. Not exactly sure of the direction Khushi had taken. She opened her mouth to interrupt her, but again, Khushi continued.

"I have felt powerless for so long Buaji. Being away, these ten years, I made sure I would never ever feel like that again. And I thought I succeeded. But I am entirely powerless against him. And it scares me like nothing has for a long long time. This was the reason I didn't want to get close to him. This was why I have been keeping my distance. If he would just listen. At first he said I was part of the family. Then he said we could be friends. How am I suppose to tell him that I don't know what any of those mean", she chuckled darkly, "He sometimes has this admiration on his face when he looks at me. And it terrifies me. What if he finds out that their nothing in me that is fit for admiration. What if he sees how damaged I am"

She closed her eyes and wiped her face again. Taking another shuddering breath she continued, "Yesterday, for the first time, I felt safe. And it terrified me even more. I mean when my own flesh and blood couldn't make me feel this way, how could a stranger. I cannot understand why is he affecting me so much. Why can’t he just let go. I need him to let go because I really don't have any strength left in me to gain and lose another person"

By now, Madhumati had got up too and had moved toward Khushi again. She pulled her into her arms and hugged her tightly.

"What do I do Buaji"

"Shh... nothing. You don't have to anything right now. Whatever the problem is, we will figure it out. For now, I need you to just rest. Can you do that please?"

She closed her eyes tight. Remnants of tears leaking out. She nodded her head and allowed herself to just collapse against Madhumati who finally was able to understand a little. Last night's breakdown was not just about darkness or closed space. Somehow Arnav was a big part of the reason. She knew she didn't yet had all pieces of the puzzle. But, one thing that was becoming glaringly obvious was that Arnav might just be that person who may be able to break and then make Khushi. The way Khushi responded to his presence, she had not reacted to anything or anyone before.

---

Arnav sat behind his desk and stared at his computer screen. Information in front of him becoming blurry. He couldn’t focus. He exhaled in frustration, his eyes moving to the empty office adjacent to his again.

After spending a restless night, when he entered office in morning, Akaash told him that Khushi was on leave. He expected that. But still, not seeing her in her usual spot, the temptation to call and check on her coursed through him. He knew he couldn't do that. Not after what transpired last night, he knew better than to get in her space again. It irked him how for the first time in his life he couldn't do what he wanted to do. Every single fibre of his body was screaming at him to throw caution to air and march up to her house and gather her into his arm. Hug her until she no longer felt the pain she always seemed to be in. But he knew he couldn't. In fact, he was still trying to make sense of this insane need to protect her that had overcome him last night. The way he felt the organ inside his chest threatening to break out when he saw her sitting on that floor was something he had never ever felt before. Suddenly a soft knock on his door pulled him out of his thoughts. "Yes"

“Bhai, you have a minute?", Akaash asked as he walked in Arnav nodded his head, closing the screen in front of him.

"We have finalised the design samples. Lavanya is working with the designers to get the prototypes ready for us to approve. We should be able to lock the themes down in next week or so. You should have the meetings all added to your diary. I also asked Aman to coordinate few of the dinners we will need to do with some of the prospective store owners" “That's great. Thanks Akaash. I will talk to Aman"

"Of course", he then hesitated, to which Arnav raised an eyebrow. He then sighed and spoke softly, "Also, Payal just called. Khushi is ok. She is still resting, but she is ok. I thought you might want to know"

In a usual circumstance, Arnav would have quipped over that last sentence, but today he didn't have the energy or mood to do so. So, he just nodded his head in acknowledgement, as Akaash walked out of his office. Alone again, Arnav pulled himself out of his chair and walked up to the glass wall.

It was barely three in the afternoon, but there was hardly any light outside. The sky was blanketed with layer of thick blackening clouds and slight drizzle of rain dotted across his glass wall. Sighing, he reached for his mobile and dialled that one person who he hoped would have some answers he was so desperately seeking.

It rang twice and a familiar warm voice rushed out his phone, "Bhai?"

"Hey Payal, did I disturb you?"

"No, not at all. It had been a slow day"

"Will you be late today?"

"No. Not really in the right state of mind to concentrate you know"

Arnav nodded sadly, as if she could see him and sighed, "I need to talk to you Payal. What time will you be done today?"

"I have my last consultation at four. I am not taking any walk-ins today, so I am free after that"

"I can come there at four then"

"Sure. We can go home together. Akaash dropped me today so I don't have my car. I will let Akaash know"

"Great. I will see you then. Bye Payal"

"See you in a bit Bhai"

Payal disconnected the call and exhaled loudly. She had a feeling what was it that Arnav wanted to talk to her about. Last night, when she saw defeated Arnav emerging out the basement minutes after distraught Khushi, she knew something had gone really wrong. She knew Arnav respected her sister a lot. Which was not a big surprise given how Khushi was. There was no way someone could get to know Khushi and not be impressed by her. But, what she saw yesterday was not just the mutual admiration she thought existed between them. There was more. Was it friendship, care or something else. Whatever it was, she just wasn't sure that it was a good thing, not yet at least.

She turned her wrist to look at the time and sighed again. Her mind already counting the minutes left for Arnav's arrival, hoping with all her being that she was not making a mistake by agreeing to talk about Khushi behind her back.

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Note for Readers:

Hola you lovely people! ☺️

I have broken this chapter into 3 parts. Next 2 will be up in coming few days. Until then, keep safe & healthy. And don't forget to leave few words on what you thought about this chapter.

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